i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
