My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
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