I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
