got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
the night ended with taco bell and tears
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
