I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
