Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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