I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
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so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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