Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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