John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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