A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
