i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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