I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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