non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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