I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
