my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
