never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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