I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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