I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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