and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
