Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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