Texts From Last Night

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  (818): View more from California

  Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.

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  (818): Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life. http://tfl.nu/wz8b
  Replies (10) Good night (713) Bad night (1291)
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  (530): View more from California

  No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.

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  (530): No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here. http://tfl.nu/k9so
  Replies (33) Good night (2518) Bad night (1135)
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.

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  (401): I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls. http://tfl.nu/rm2y
  Replies (35) Good night (3447) Bad night (992)
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula

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  (608): i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula http://tfl.nu/sb2u
  Replies (29) Good night (4337) Bad night (964)
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.

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  (573): I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better. http://tfl.nu/vuqb
  Replies (73) Good night (5967) Bad night (872)
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  (716): View more from New York

  I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?

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  (716): I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle? http://tfl.nu/vxb0
  Replies (15) Good night (1151) Bad night (3519)
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.

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  (515): trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point. http://tfl.nu/fff7
  Replies (19) Good night (2542) Bad night (1108)
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy

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  (240): I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy http://tfl.nu/3nw9
  Replies (3) Good night (1105) Bad night (3488)
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  (626): View more from California

  Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?

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  (626): Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester? http://tfl.nu/lq06
  Replies (22) Good night (4527) Bad night (1176)
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  (509): View more from Washington

  My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.

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  (509): My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood. http://tfl.nu/0wqb
  Replies (11) Good night (535) Bad night (3716)
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out

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  (505): Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out http://tfl.nu/4j6r
  Replies (12) Good night (576) Bad night (1102)
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.

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  (605): Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it. http://tfl.nu/7cyq
  Replies (8) Good night (1282) Bad night (560)
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.

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  (702): Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos. http://tfl.nu/ooli
  Replies (5) Good night (346) Bad night (639)
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.

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  (309): Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me. http://tfl.nu/u3mn
  Replies (2) Good night (611) Bad night (314)
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?

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  (814): Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me? http://tfl.nu/bnes
  Replies (2) Good night (723) Bad night (447)

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