I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Too much gin, very little bucket
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
