The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
