It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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