Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Randomize
