M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
