I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
