i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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