sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
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Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
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if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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