Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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