May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm like, not good at living.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
