I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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