I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
