How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I supernannyed him into submission
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
