i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
