I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
