I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
