Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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