after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
