Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.