chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Randomize
