so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Randomize
