I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
