I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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