mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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