I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
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