he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
