I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
