omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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