I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
My apartment stinks of burning failure
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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