i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Tell her she can't have a vagina
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
