i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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