I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
