rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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