I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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