Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
