I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
