Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
