Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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